A Broken Spirit

Millions of people in this country are going through the same struggle. It's such a competitive fight for something that we all deserve, but at the same time only want because it pays our bills. It's something that we all either go to school for or work hard for, but in this economy it's difficult to come by. There are few who rise to the top, but then so much more have fallen from this difficult climb. I've become among part of the fallen.

Last Friday, I had an interview for this internship which is within the industry I have a degree for. It sounded very interesting and I thought I would make a great candidate for their position. The interview went well. The supervisor seemed so excited to call me back on Monday. I was super excited. Finally something turned out to be working well.

But Monday came and went without any phone call. I was anxious and confused as to what was going on. I sent her an email that night about the call. The next day, I woke up to an e-mail response saying they hired someone else. At first, I tried to act cool about it. But bad news with me has no effect at first, but it pummels me like a pile of bricks soon after.

Positivity is hard to achieve when rejection sticks to you like an evil dark shadow or a pestering older brother. It's both scary and annoying. It's frustrating and it won't go away. It's like a disease that I have no cure for. I'm the type of person who thrives on success. So how positive can I be when rejection won't leave me alone?

I put in so much enthusiasm and positivity into a job I hear a reply from. No matter how qualified I believe I am for it, there's always someone better. It's just draining to want something so hard, to work for it, to feel like you've got it, and then to hear someone else dug up your prized possession.

I know I have the skills to do an excellent job. I have great listening skills. I'm very patient. I'm keen on detail. I like being a perfectionist. I like to see things through to the best of their ability. I want so strongly to use my skills to help an organization reach its fullest potential. But my confidence is just shot even more when I get the impression that I'll be able to use my skills and I can't.

The job hunt is killing my spirit gradually with every interview. My degree of which I dedicated four years of hard work to finish feels like crap in the eyes of an employer. I always wonder, what did I do wrong? What can I do right?

In any case, I'll stop my rambling for now. My optimistic attitude will not die completely. I won't give up because something out there is waiting for me no matter how many misleading or very leading responses I get. But that last rejection really brought out the weakness in me today. I'm just telling the tale of a broken spirit.

Writing - Second nature or a challenge?

The art of pushing a pen against paper and creating a magnetic word flow is something of a challenge to most people. Whenever I tell people my major in college, they say how they're terrible at writing and how they could use all the help. Yet, even though I love to write, it doesn't always come so easy for me either.

Ideas of all sorts are always floating around in my head. Passages of literature make their way into my mind frame, but they never catch the ink of my pen. All the time I tell myself to write. When the time comes, the words don't flow as effortlessly as they did when they first crossed my thoughts.

Why is it so difficult to bring back these ideas? They sit in my mind for hours, days, weeks seemingly fading away. Too much of life pulls me away from setting my thoughts to peace. Problems with my parents, job stress, etc keeps my mind pacing for expression. Even good days like spending time with that special someone and sharing laughs with friends keeps me occupied. My thoughts shake with anxiety of my reluctance to free them.

But my thoughts cannot stress any longer. I will try to focus on the importance of expressing myself. It's something that I can't deny any longer. Like this wise pastor in my church said today, "Use your talent or God will take it away from you," I'll use my writing anyway I can. Hopefully, it'll only continue to grow.